The Power of Ouch:
Leadership with Clothes, with Apologies to the Emperor
A few weeks ago, The Weekend Australian Magazine had a superb article by Charlotte Ree entitled “The Power of Ouch: My New Friend Offers a Beautiful Lesson”. The following quote is instructive.
Recently, Miranda looked at her friend’s face, swollen lightly from chemotherapy, and asked if she was feeling alright. “You look a little puffy,” they commented. “Ouch,” she replied.
It’s a tiny act of honesty. Immediate. Sharp. Decisive. A clear incision through the theatre of politeness, where our pain is often forced to sit in silence. Too often people release words carelessly into the world, never caring to witness where they land.
“How could anyone argue with ‘ouch’?” Miranda asks. It is not an accusation. It is not retaliation. It is merely the sound the heart makes when struck unexpectedly. “Ouch” refuses the long private labour of pretending not to be hurt. It closes the gap between rupture and repair.
This message is powerful. Reading it evoked many memories both good and challenging relating to my own leadership strengths and weaknesses. If we are being honest these sentiments would challenge most of us as quiet whispers of the soul.
We all can identify when others have “ouched” us – sometimes it hurts – a direct metaphorical bullseye through the heart. If we are honest, we must acknowledge that we have no doubt “ouched” others. A not-so-good choice of words can emerge from lack of time, lack of insight, imprecision and dare I say from annoyance and/or anger. We are all human. This same humanness can take us to a place of reflection, discernment, sincerity and honesty. I often comment that “animals wound with their claws and humans with their tongues”. Leadership requires us to give direct feedback as well as receive feedback, both direct and indirect! Such feedback is difficult to formulate, deliver and at times to hear. Sensing when the right time is to correct a conversation that may not have gone as expected or intended is an art. Sometimes, of course, an “ouch” may be what was needed. Discerning this difference is an important skill of effective leadership and leadership development.
The confidence to say “ouch” says something about relational courage. If leadership sits in a healthy zone of mutual respect, then the possibility of “ouch” moments is more likely. Such a dialogue is virtually impossible if genuine relationship is absent or if a reservoir of goodwill is shallow or empty. The creation of such reservoirs of relational goodwill does not happen by accident. It takes time and should never be taken for granted. Such reservoirs help to ensure that ‘theatres of politeness’ do not create emperors-with-no-clothes models of leadership. Leadership is messy, it is difficult, it requires bucket loads of wisdom, humility, grace and truthful exchange. We must try to ensure that we don’t accidentally wound with our tongues.
Thank you Charlotte Ree for this timely article with its window into the marvels of language, care and wisdom. These three traits are so important for effective leadership, especially school-based leadership that is by necessity collegially formulated and deeply human. “Animals wound with their claws and humans with their tongues.” Humans have the ability to reflect and discern – may this always be so!